The first few days back at Niagara College were the hardest, everyone would ask "how was your summer" expecting a "good", "great" or "it was too short". How could you tell them what happened? Every time I tried to think of words to explain how my summer was I failed. How do you simply explain that this was the worst summer of your life? and so you stretch the truth a little bit and say it was okay, or good, or not bad, never going so far as to say it was great but still making it seem better than it really was. Sometimes I'd even start to believe it wasn't all that bad, other days I would be hit so hard that I couldn't do anything.
See, this summer, I lost a part of me that I will never get back. After a five year long battle with cancer my mother was taken to a better place, one where she can be happy, no longer troubled by her affliction. After her passing I had lost all ability and willingness to write or do anything and so my blog was left untouched. After some time, I thought I'd gathered up the willpower to write something and I would go to input the words into the blog and I would see the last post or even just the name of the last post on Mothers Day Ideas and the words would disappear, my willpower would escape me.
I have been asked many times why I haven't touched my blog, even those who had heard the news about mum didn't understand. So I would say I was busy, or I was working on it, anything to get them off my case. I didn't want to be reminded of the summer. Today though, it was different, I was still reminded of the big hole inside me that is missing, but I was able to finally write these words, words that I have wanted to write for months. It was still hard; I don't know how many times I started writing just to delete it all again less than a minute later. But after all this time I figured I would never come back to writing, for a minute I wasn't sure if I would even be able to do it today either, but I know that mum is in a better place and shes watching over me and walking with me wherever I go.
Its a daily reminder to be the best I can be, to try my best at everything I do, to be kind, patient and respectful just like she taught my brothers and I and just how she was herself.
So mom, we thank you for everything you've ever done for us, we love you to the moon and back.
and thank you to everyone who's helped throughout this healing journey, I'm sure it will be much longer before I can live without the occasional breakdown and it may never be that I can go without them for good but it has gotten much easier and just writing this is a huge step forward. Next I have a memorial garden to plan, and thank you everyone who has donated or offered to help with its creation, I hope to start next spring and I'll be sure to keep you updated on its progress.
Thank again, and I hope you'll stick around for more Hiemstra Gardens posts. I hope to get back to regular writing, and then I'll start weekly newsletters again! Take Care Now and...Happy Gardening! (Oh how nice it is to write those words again!)